Reunions 02 - 06
Papers & Souvenirs
Submitted by Kirk
Parnell 84 - 88 - Drawn on the Key -
When I reported to the "Key" in 1984, she was in the Newport News
Shipyard for overhaul. The Topside Sentry was Fred "BodySlam"
Boheim. He and I later became friends, sort of. But I
did become a life time member of the Fred Boheim Fan Club. I even have
a t-shirt to prove it. Really, I do. The next 3 pictures I saved
from my patrol days.
The QM Div Pic of Patrol 50 was drawn by Chris Barrows QMSN. From left
Cmd. McWillians (Navigator Gold); SN Barrows
dozing off (notice the smoke rising from his missing rating patch, this guy
was always in trouble and busted more than once. QM3 Chris
Kjellin, (division clown and all around nice guy); Me- QM2
Kirk Parnell, (trying to figure out where we are), QMC
Chris McCool, (Short little guy who partied too much, once he left
Kings Bay going to get some Krystal Burgers and ended up in a strip bar
in Savannah. He returned late and slept through the getting
underway procedures and missed most of the piloting team as we sailed out the
St. Mary's river and got a royal chewing by the Nav., but he was an awesome
Chris Fowler, FTB Blue Crew 73 - 77
Got this one from Harry Baker TM Blue Crew 71 - 73. It's called The Piano
There was a ragged, old, retired Submariner Senior Chief who shuffled into a
waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took
the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had
been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So,
the barkeep decided to give him a try.
The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several
patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every
voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike
anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in
the place. The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name
of the song he had just played.
"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby! We're Gonna Rock
Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the
beer. The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a
knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the
crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.
When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said,
"Look senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!
the web I came across this list of 100 suggestions
for the ex-submariner that misses "the good old days on the boat".
It was on the web site of Darrel
Damon, SSBN 659 - Will Rogers and is included here with his permission (I've
modified a few of them).
get your favorite beverage, sit back and read these simple suggestions and
before you know it, you'll be back on the boat. If this doesn't make you
laugh, seek immediate medical assistance.
you miss the good old days on the boat, you should...
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two
to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
Repeat back everything anyone says to you, only louder.
Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view the world
through the peep hole on your front door.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and
move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2
gallons of water per shower.
5. When someone is in the bathroom, go up to the door, pound on it hard and
scream "COURTESY FLUSH!".
6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the
motor running, but don't go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges.
Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30 minutes.
7. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.
8. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded Laundromat you can find.
Mix your clothes in with someone else's.
9. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room
six hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut using only your electric razor.
11. Take hourly readings on your electric, gas and water meters.
12. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
13. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen,
never use it.
14. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
15. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies, canned ravioli, soup or any
green sandwich meat).
16. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food
cabinets or refrigerator.
17. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it
goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your
kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
18. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them
back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
19. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before
drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
20. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a
couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for all guests. (Unless they are
interested in electronics....force those guests to shower three times daily and
wear bottle of stale after shave following each shower).
21. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each
22. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie
under it to read books.
23. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
24. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
25. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then
spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
26. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and
sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your
wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
27. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in
front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and
ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them
28.Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and
cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
29. Use Kool-Aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
30. Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the
washers on the water spigots.
31. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel fuel...
savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
32. Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many greasy meals and ensure
the entire family goes to the bathroom together. Share 1 roll of toilet paper.
33. Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home
into a bedroom.
34. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold a lottery
to determine who gets to control the air valves.
35. Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout at them
the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it
36. Give your wife more free time. All the ironing goes under the mattress.
37. Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen.
38. At night, replace all light bulbs in the living room with red bulbs,
place obstacles on the floor to trip over.
39. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them. Put 10 pounds of
potatoes in each pillow case and hang them from the shower curtain rod.
40. Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go
41. Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off the AC, put on a yellow
suit and mill around inside the roped off area for an hour with a zip lock bag
tied securely around your head. Insure the family critiques your actions
42. Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning, shout "up and
over" at them so they'll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.
43. Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease".
44. Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster General -
Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you.
45. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the
sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through as many big
puddles as possible.
46. Start every story with "This is no-shit" and end each story
with "and that's the gods honest truth". Then tell the same
story again only different.
47. Order a dozen foxtails and tell your family that there will be no liberty
until every thing in the house passes the white glove test.
48. Tell your kids there will be a pressure test in the garage . The kid who can take the most turns in the vise will get to stay out later
49. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit
geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife "calmly"
that you forgot to shut the valve. Make her and the kids clean up the mess.
50. Sew your shirts to your pants and replace the buttons with Velcro.
51. Install a furnace and air conditioner vent that blows directly in your
ear while you
are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter
of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your rack
that doesn't work.
52. Install the system above where it will cause a 6 inch vacuum in the bedroom.
Call someone to open the door from the other side.
53. Make your kids some Kool-Aid and add 5 times more sugar than normal and then
set it out to get hot.
54. Raise hell with the old lady when she serves steak next time. When she says
that's the way it came from the store, you ask BURNT?
55. Hire about 20 drunks to come into you house about 1 in the morning and start
56. Just have someone chew your ass over nothing, daily.
57. Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour them into a large white
trash bag and secure. Put the bag into the refrigerator and rename it "The
58. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your
toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however
59. Every Friday morning at 7:30, wake the whole house up and inform them
someone is trying to steal the car, then make them clean the whole house for 3
hours, then serve them lunch with consists of 2 hamburgers that have enough
grease in them to change the oil in the car, buns that weigh more
than a TDU weight, and raw french fries. Then run various drills in afternoon so
that you have to burp into your scuba mask reliving the lunch.
60. Practice walking quickly with your back to the wall.
61. Work at golf course maintenance so you can water golf cart batteries.
62. Go shopping and buy 25 cases of string
beans. Have your friends and neighbors line up to bring them from your car
to the cellar. Park a block away.
63. Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down
there once a day and take specific gravities.
64. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof
that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then
place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead
animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sock.
65. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep
to simulate the various times the watch standers and night crew bump around and
wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around
the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates
fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
66. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two
weeks before eating them.
67. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or
none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
68. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around
shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
69. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white,
or the shade of hospital smocks. Hang 100 centerfolds in the bathroom.
70. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of
these two rolls is wet at all times.
71. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate
daily injuries sustained aboard subs.
72. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is
hard and stale. Use unrecognizable meat.
73. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city
slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the
most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours.
Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he
charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
74. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit, then switch to
75. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 40 F and use only a thin blanket for
76. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at
a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature
alternating rapidly from 2 to 110 deg F.
77. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
78. Make sure every water valve in your home has two backups in line which must
all be operated to obtain water.
79. Every four hours, check all the fluid levels in your car and log the
readings. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure
checks. Be sure to place red tags on ignition stating "DANGER: Do Not
Operate" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to
placement of the red tags, the results of the checks, and have him repeat the
checks because he did not see you perform them.
80. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should
be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks,
discarding two of five.
81. Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't really know or like: people
who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language.
Thirty years later, go to reunions with them.
82. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside
world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Naval Proceedings from
five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
83. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording on log sheets all vital
information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc).
84. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people
using the same commode.
85. Lock the bathrooms twice a day for a four hour period for no apparent
86. Practice taking a shower with a quart of water.
87. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that
your body neither knows nor cares if it day or night.
88. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times/day for two weeks, then play music
that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
89. Wash your laundry in a detergent that could be used as an insecticide or
sheep dip. Make sure you lose at least one sock and one pair underwear every
90. Run a tube from your car's exhaust pipe into your living room, yell
"prepare to snorkel", and start the car. You must breathe the fumes
for one hour.
91. Vent your septic into the house and yell "venting sanitaries
92. Shut off all the breakers in the house and yell "reactor scram', sit in
the dark for at least an hour.
93. If any light bulbs should inadvertently go out (ie. reactor scram above),
make sure you hang danger tags on the light switch, fuse or breaker box, lamp
plug or cord, home master breaker panel and also notify the local utility
company (maneuvering) of what you are doing and demand their approval. Make sure
both you and the wife sign the tags. Next tie a rope to yourself and have
someone who just as soon see you dead hold the rope in case you get electrocuted
while changing the bulb.
94. Write a procedure in triplicate for every job you do around the house. Have
a friend check your work and make a minimum of 5 changes. When finished and the
new forms are ready, have your wife verify that the procedure is correct but
make ten changes anyway.
95. Find out how long it will take to do a job. Give yourself half the time it
should take, then have someone scream at you for not working fast enough.
96. Make sure all your personal belongings will fit in a 2'X2' space that has
lots of cables running through it.
97. Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled
halls of your house. Leave almost room to squeeze by.
a. Yell "Torpedo Evasion" and run through the house
knocking over everything that isn't bolted down.
b. Yell "Man Overboard" and throw the cat in the
c. Overflow the bathtub and yell "Flooding in the
d. Put your stereo headphone on (don't plug them in), stand
in front of the stove and yell "Battle Stations Missile".
e. Install a fireman's pole and a ladder in your living room
so you can practice yelling "Dive-Dive", have the wife slide down
the pole while you time her.
f. Have your kids run into the kitchen and yell "Fire in the deep fat fryer!" three times fast.
g. On a foggy day, have the kids go up on the roof and yell "Collision
immanent!" three times fast.
99. Continuously pop your ears to simulate snorkeling.
100. Sit up from 1130 to 0530 in front of your stove to insure it doesn't turn
on by accident.
any more to add? Send the along to firstname.lastname@example.org